Uncategorized

Fragile

Her scream echoed throughout the emptiness,

His thunderous stomping followed closely.

But I stayed silent, unblinking, unbreathing.

I watched, as his massive figure moved towards me.

She glided quickly behind him;

Just like always.

She tugged at his filthy sweatshirt,

Begging him to stop;

Screaming that she was sorry,

That she wouldn’t do it again.

She pushed his buttons,

So he pushed her across the room.

Her screaming turned into loud sobs.

It broke my heart that she had to watch,

She usually just cleaned up the aftermath.

I hated him.

We both do.

But he was so close now,

His breath caressed my skin.

His warm hands gripped my chin,

Clenching it hard, as if he was trying to break me.

But it wasn’t about me.

He wanted to punish her.

I closed my eyes as he shoved my head forward.

I wanted to cry,

But I couldn’t do that yet.

His hands were around my throat now,

Forcing me to stare at him.

I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t look away.

I heard the girl erupt into a loud sob again as she was huddled in the corner.

But I still didn’t cry.

I wasn’t weak.

His eyes squinted,

As a sickening smirk crept over his lips.

In a flash, my head collided with the wall.

The girl stopped crying.

The silence pierced the room again.

Was I broken?

I felt like he had finally cracked me.

But the boy walked over from across the room,

His smile still smeared on.

I wanted to cry out for help

But who would hear me?

The girl?

She was still watching in awe as the boy did this to me.

How could she let him do this to me?

No.

How could he do this to me?

I was already broken

What more did he want.

The boy screamed at the girl as he began to rip my hair out.

He screamed as he bashed my head into the wall again.

And again.

And again.

He screamed as he threw me down and stomped on me.

He screamed,

And he screamed,

And he screamed.

And then suddenly he stopped.

He looked at me,

On the ground, broken.

He looked at me, and sighed.

But when I looked at him,

All I saw was tiredness.

He went over to the girl,

And put his warm hands around her chin.

But he didn’t squeeze.

He just sighed, and muttered an apology.

He left the room and the door gently closed behind him;

The girl brushed the tears away from her eyes and walked over towards me,

still broken on the floor.

She softly sniffed and scuffled her feet as she walked,

her glide was gone.

She was so weak.

Gently, she picked me up,

Brushed back the hair I still had,

And placed me back on the shelf with her other dolls.

My smile was forced on my face,

But I wanted to cry.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to fall and just break.

He broke me.

But not enough.

Because here I was.

Still sitting out in the open

A perfect victim for him.

A victim again and again.

Uncategorized

Renew

I went on a date last night.

It’s officially been 2 weeks since my ex and I broke up, but since we were on a break, I’m counting it as a month. 

It doesn’t seem like a month. It feels longer and shorter at the same time. But I’m not about to waste my summer when I could be having fun. 

So I went on a date. 

I re downloaded tinder and started swiping right. And I swiped right to this guy wearing this dolphin sweatshirt. So I messaged, which for the record, I never do. But I messages first and I was like “I like your sweatshirt” and we started messaging back and forth, joking about him letting me wear the sweatshirt, but also talking about our hobbies and favorite TV shows and so and so. 

I joked to my friend that he was my soul mate. 

Did I mention he’s really hot and 6’4″

Anyways, we started texting and snap chatting. Our conversations were goofy, and neither one of us responded super quickly to each other. 

We decided to hang out. We spent a week talking about our date and what we would do. We decided dinner, movie, and hook up in the car (depending on how the night was going) 

So we meet at chipotle near me, and he’s even cuter in person. Like oh my God. And he’s the perfect height. 

So he walks towards me, and me, being my super awkward self, said “I don’t know what to do, my giving you a hug seems right” he laughed, either with pity or maybe he found it cute. 

So we went into the restaurant and had some great conversation. I loved the way he looked at me. When I told him a coded his eyes seemed to have pierced my soul. Ugh. 

I found out he gets I’m trouble with the cops from time to time, and does drugs sometimes. But it didn’t bother me at all. In fact, I found it endearing. He has piercings and tattoos and just had that bad boy vibe to him. Like Clark Kent on redKryptonite. Plus he as actually remembered kal-el with his long brown hair, tall muscular stature, piercing blue eyes, and black rimmed glasses. Again, ugh. 

My friend saw us at chipotle, and commented on my outfit. I want to talk to her soon and see what she athought about him. 

When we left  chipotle, we took my car to drive to the theater, as I was about to pull out of the parking lot he’s like “ya, I have the sweatshirt in my car” and I’m like wait really? Can we get it. So we literally turned around to grab the sweatshirt. 

We ended up taking so much that we missed our movie, so we ended up seeing the mummy 30 minutes later. We were in the front row, and sat down during the weird tv commercials. He handed my his sweatshirt, and when I put it on, it smelt like his Cologne and firewood. I snuggled up on his  shoulder, and we laughed and talked, kissed, and held hands during the whole movie. 

Towards the end of the movie, he would run his hands up and down my legs so gently it would give me chills. 

He simultaneously made fun of me and made me feel on top of the world. 

After the movie, we walked around the mall, stopping at a bench on the roof top to stargaze and kiss. 

We walked around more, and held hands and talked. There was a moment when we faked arm wrestled and he suddenly grabbed me to him and kissed me. It was one of the hottest things ever let me tell you. 

We ended up going to UDF to get him a milkshake, while in line he wrapped his hands around my waist and snuggled his head on my shoulder. 

He drank his milkshake in the car, and we fiddled around with my blue tooth. He connected his phone to my car, which he says is am excuse to come see me again (plus the fact that i was wearing his sweatshirt). 

We madeout some more, and decided to drive around. It was like 11:30 at this point. He made a few sly comments about being horny, so I started rubbing his dick over his pants.

You should have seen him. The man was acting like I was torturing him. Which I was.

We drove around some more, trying to find a place where we could hook up. Somewhere along that adventure he took off his pants, so I was giving him a hand job while driving. Very dangerous. 

We passed by a parking lot and he joked about hooking up in the trees. And I was like well have you hooked up in the woods before? We both said no, and both decided that’s what we’ll do. Hook up in the forest. All of the parks close at night, so trying to find somewhere to do it was more difficult than I thought. 

We parked, and I started getting second thoughts. Not with hooking up with him. Just doing it in the woods. I needed to calm my nerves so I started giving him a blow job in the car, and told him to keep look out. I really doubt he kept lookout, but he said he was, which is all that matters I suppose. After our confidence and hornyness increased we decided to go for it. I had a bag of condoms in my glove box, and told him to pick his poison.

We grabbed a blanket I had in the back, two condoms, and started walking towards the trails. 

It was so dark that we had to use his phone flashlight (which was very unnerving). 

We found a place in a field surrounded by trees and placed the blanket down. Midway through he had to take his glasses off because they were fogging too much. The sweatshirt was our pillow, but when we were done we both had twigs and dirt in our hair. We got scared to still be in the woods, so we hurried back to my car to make out some more. 

On our way back to his car, I made him go through my hair to get all of the leaves out. 

We got back to chipotle where his car was parked, and we stayed there another hour and a half. We talked, made out, played with each other’s hair, gave each other back rubs, and watched funny videos. He took off his shirt to show me his tattoo, and of course right as he does that another car pulls into the parking lot. It was one in the morning so we aren’t sure why they were there either. 

Before he left, I said I was going to keep the sweatshirt so he would have a reason to hang out with me again, he said he wouldn’t need a reason he would just hang out with me. But he said I could borrow the sweatshirt. 

I wore the sweatshirt that night and the next day as my sort of prize. No guy has ever given me a sweatshirt before, especially not one this cute. 

It smells less like him now, but sometimes I’ll get a whiff of his musk. 

It’s been almost 24 since we hung out, and I honestly can’t wait to see him again. He told me he would be busy today,so he hasn’t really texted me a lot. But im keeping my hopes up.

Besides, he has to get his sweatshirt back 

Uncategorized

Loving lust

Have you ever looked at someone one day and realized you’re in love with them? 

I never thought it was possible, and I certainly don’t believe in love at first sight. But after a tragic chain of events happened in my life, he was always there. 

He knew the right balance to push me further and pull me closer to him. 

He inspired me to follow my passions, even as crazy as they seem. And not only inspires  me, but actually helps me get on my feet when starting a new venture. 

He’s my shoulder to cry on, but also my shoulder to playfully punch from time to time. 

He challenges me to think about the world  differently, and calls me out on things I need to be called out on. 

Funny enough, we really like the name Zeus. 

And it’s not like I wasn’t attracted to him before, I was, it was just in that moment I wanted to be with him. 

I wanted him to come over, and just sit on the couch for hours and comfort me.

I wanted him to play with my hair and kiss me on the forehead.

My friends say he gives me a look. The kind of look every girl wants. 

And I missed my chance 

I was foolish 

And didn’t grasp him 

Because he’s taken by someone else now 

While I just took him for granted 

A Story of Me

Vividly Saturated 

I don’t sleep. I often lay in my bed, staring at my ceiling day dreaming. On a good night I’ll sleep for 5 hours straight. Often I’ll wake up around 4 in the morning, and stay awake for about an hour. 

I have created a game for myself when this happens. I try to remember the details of what I had just dreamt. I have to do this right after I wake up, or else the little details become a distance memory. 

I read somewhere that, when remembering a dream, you’re really remembering the last time you remembered it. Mind blowing. 

But I try to remember my dreams, and I usually tell my two friends (let’s call them Rachel and Rebecca) because they find entertainment in these wild stories my brain sub consciencly comes up with. 

Wednesday morning I woke up around 5am, and was greater with the memory of a dream. I call them vividly saturated, because I can remember bits and pieces very well, while the story as a whole is usually broken. 

So on Wednesday, I followed my usual dream routine and texted this to Rebecca and Rachel:
“I had a really cool and scary dream last night. So me and my boy friend in my dream (sadly didn’t recognize him) went camping in this forest. But this really bad thunderstorm came out of no where while we were sleeping, and a tree next to our tent caught on fire. After we smelt the smoke we started running. And we got lost. Like extremely lost. We had no food, no water, we were scared, and we had no weapons to defend off animals. But we had no choice but to keep walking. The longer we were there, the better we got at catching food, making knives etc- but the only reason I could wake up in the morning was the hope that we would leave or find someone. And one day, we head a car horn. It was faint at first, we both thought our minds were playing tricks on us. But it happened a second time, and that’s when I started running towards it, and he followed. We were so malnourished and dehydrated that it hurt to run, but I didn’t want to miss our chance. We found the car tracks, which then lead us to this camping retreat, with electricity and running water,and right as we step onto camp I collapse from exhaustion. I woke up in the nurse tent, and they start talking about integrating us into their camp, they said the outside world would come for them in a week. We stay at the camp, shower, eat- and I’m so happy, but I could tell something was off about him. But I don’t let it bother we. 5 days in, I’m with a group of people walking to a store, when I collapse again. I wake up in the doctors, to find that I have an overwhelming amount of mercury in my system. They then found out the man who I was with had been slowly poisoning me- and that we had been in the woods longer than I thought- 13 years. But they didn’t have mirrors in the camp, and in the forest, I would collapse and stay unconscious for days at a time, when he told me it was minutes. After the doctor heard the news, we found a note from the man I was with saying that he left the camp, he didn’t feel like he belonged and he asked me to go back to the woods with him. I woke up feeling conflicted, like I was actually thinking about going back with him!”

I woke up feeling silly that I even considering being with someone who treated me like that. I did a lot of reflecting with it. And I realized how much significance this dream held for me. 

At the time, I was on a break with my boy friend. We had gotten into a fight about me being “unemotional”. Ya. Okay. 

But I realized just the way he had treated me during the 6 months we were dating was not okay. I’m not going to go into it, read my past post for examples.

This dream was an eye opening experience. It showed me that I was the woman who was trapped in the woods. 

A Story of Me · Uncategorized

Damned if I do, damned if I’m damsel 

Sometimes I fear that everyone is going to leave me. I don’t know if I think they’re going to die, or simply walk away from my life. I’ve had people do both. It’s selfish of them to do either, but it’s selfish of me to stay mad at them. 

So there’s this uneasy push and pull of emotion that is interfered with when someone leaves me. Most of the time, the relationship- whether friend or romantic- has been a toxic one. A great weight is lifted of my shoulder, and there are moments when I am genuinely happy. Then there are other times, like right now for intense, when it is 2 o’clock in the morning and I am lying in bed feeling lonely and sorry for myself. 

It’s toxic when I’m in the relationship, and it’s toxic when they leave. Because for a while after they abandon me, I lack trust for other as well as the desire to be around people. I want to hide away in my corner so I won’t be hurt again. Yet, I am also faced with the wanting to fill the hole they left. The emptiness inside begins to slowly consume me, so in my mind I must fill the void before it swallows me whole- which it has never done, and in my mind I know will never do. But I race to fill it anyways. 

I’m an strong minded, independent, introvert- so in reality I don’t need anyone. I don’t need someone to protect me, or keep me constantly entertained. But I need a person who is always there for me, as I need someone to help settle me down when I get worked up, or for me to talk to when I get excited. 

But in my naiveness, in past relationships I failed to realize that my needs aren’t well wanted at this stage in life. 

Men want women who need a protector. 

I am not a damsel in distress. But in my mind I am Lois Lane, and my beau is Clark Kent. Someone strong and caring. 

But the super hero never saves a person who doesn’t need saving. 

~CY

A Story of Me · Uncategorized

She Will Be Loved

My high school taught me I will never be loved.

I remember it vividly. It was 8th grade, and my “sex Ed” health class had a guest lecturer. I put the sex Ed in quotes because the class wasn’t about sexual education, it was sexual prevention. Trying to trick the youthful 13 year olds who were sitting in that room into abstinence. And in the process, failing to teach anything about the education of sex. Anyways, we were sitting on the dirty floor of an abandoned science classroom, half listening to this person talking about STDs.

She said that if you’re a girl, and something comes out of your vagina, you have an STD. She literally said that. Which, if you’re not familiar with female anatomy, is not true. There are many healthy reasons why “something comes out of your vagina”. But the wrong information she taught us isn’t the reason for the story.

After she talked about that and other STDs, she transitioned into what the opposite gender finds attractive. Yes. She literally gave us a list of how to be attractive to the other gender. She didn’t give a disclaimer like “oh this is what research shows 70% of males are into”. Nope. She acted as if the words she were saying were 100% true for every gender (nor did she acknowledge that males could like other males). But this was public school education at its finest.

She then decided it would be a wonderful idea to show the class of 45 how right she was. So she asked this simple question, that of course, wouldn’t offend anybody. She asked, “boys, would you date a girl taller than you?”

We sat there silently as no one’s hand rose up. My cheeks began to redden knowing that, at 5’10 I towered most of my 13 year old peers. Especially the males. A single hand rose, our local drug dealer whom I wouldn’t be surprised if he lost his virginity at the age of 10.

I sat in silence and embarrassment as this person continued to talk about how boys don’t like girls taller than them. How that was very “unattractive” to them. And in my self loathing 13 year old self, I believed her.

Before that day, I was a star athlete. I was on track to be on varsity the next year for volleyball, basketball, and track. I was and academic all star, being in honors courses and having a 4.0. I was confident, I had good friends and  loved to make people laugh.

But after that speech, I stood a little less tall. I was a little less confident. I felt a little less loved. And I had no hope.

My friends were all petite and beautiful girls. Either blonde or full chested. I was neither. I was a very tall, muscular girl, with long brown hair. I was never the girl who boys liked, and up until then I either didn’t notice or care.

I remember once, I was in the hall walking to art class and this girl ran up to me and yelled “he has a crush on you” as a boy chased behind her. Even though it was embarrassing for him, I was ecstatic. Well until he yelled “no I don’t” as he went pass me. I was only partially crushed.

I’ve learned how irrelevant this woman was growing up, but it still doesn’t erase the years of her voice playing over and over in my head anytime a guy talks to me.

Flash forward 4 years. I was in the car with my boy friend at the time (he was 2 inches taller than me for the record), and he said “I love your curves” in that moment I was in heaven. No one boy had ever told me that before. It was a mere .5 seconds later when he then completed his though “I love your curves… I love how you just don’t care” and in that moment I was crushed again.

My mother says I have an hour glass figure, my shoulders and my hips are the same length and I have a tiny waist. Well, my when my hips are huge and my waist is tiny, my curves are very curvy.

But to his surprise, I do care that my hips are curvy. I’ve tried to reduce the amount of curve my hips have my dieting and working out, and nothing as worked. You can literally see my hip bone, no amount of working out will change my bone structure. But when he said that, I lost ever ounce of self confidence I had. I was 17.

I dated and slept around some more, and suddenly during my second semester of college I started dating a body builder. Things were going great until I asked him to be my trainer. That moment on, he would verbally judge everything I hate, everything I wore, and everything I did. He would make me track my calories, and shun me if I didn’t meet my goals. He would make me feel guilty whenever I skipped a gym day to study for an exam. He would make it a point to say that I haven’t been showing progress because I am lying to myself with the amount of work I had been doing. And when I had enough of him doing that, when I told him I didn’t want him to be my trainer anymore, he would make passive aggressive comments towards me. He would treat me like an idiot when we were at the gym, not correcting my form, but acting as if I were using a machine wrong (which fun fact, I’ve been weight lifting for 7 years, I know how to leg press).

And in his words and actions, he made me feel weak. And he made me ashamed of my body.

Needless to say, we broke up.

So now it’s just me, on a voyage to finally learn to love my body. I still have the words that these people in my life have implanted in me- that I am too tall, too curvy, and uncommitted. And every day I am working on replacing those words.

Ya I’m fucking tall. But I don’t feel scared walking home at night, and I can reach the top shelf every time.

And I am curvy. I had a friend who told me I had good birthing hips. Not sure what that means, but if it means I’m able to give birth better, I’ll take it.

I am committed. I’m committed to learning to love myself and to keeping myself healthy (with an occasional bowl of ice cream here or there).

We’ve all have heard the phrase “words hurt”. But when they come from a person of authority or a loved one, they can burn even worse.

I can only beg schools to stop teaching young kids about beauty standards. Young girls and boys have enough pressure, they don’t need to school system telling them what is and isn’t attractive.

To any woman out there who is being told her body isn’t beautiful, that it isn’t standard, tell them to fuck off. Beauty isn’t defined by a list of things. Christmas lights and flowers are beautiful and they look nothing alike.

~CY

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