Sometimes I fear that everyone is going to leave me. I don’t know if I think they’re going to die, or simply walk away from my life. I’ve had people do both. It’s selfish of them to do either, but it’s selfish of me to stay mad at them.
So there’s this uneasy push and pull of emotion that is interfered with when someone leaves me. Most of the time, the relationship- whether friend or romantic- has been a toxic one. A great weight is lifted of my shoulder, and there are moments when I am genuinely happy. Then there are other times, like right now for intense, when it is 2 o’clock in the morning and I am lying in bed feeling lonely and sorry for myself.
It’s toxic when I’m in the relationship, and it’s toxic when they leave. Because for a while after they abandon me, I lack trust for other as well as the desire to be around people. I want to hide away in my corner so I won’t be hurt again. Yet, I am also faced with the wanting to fill the hole they left. The emptiness inside begins to slowly consume me, so in my mind I must fill the void before it swallows me whole- which it has never done, and in my mind I know will never do. But I race to fill it anyways.
I’m an strong minded, independent, introvert- so in reality I don’t need anyone. I don’t need someone to protect me, or keep me constantly entertained. But I need a person who is always there for me, as I need someone to help settle me down when I get worked up, or for me to talk to when I get excited.
But in my naiveness, in past relationships I failed to realize that my needs aren’t well wanted at this stage in life.
Men want women who need a protector.
I am not a damsel in distress. But in my mind I am Lois Lane, and my beau is Clark Kent. Someone strong and caring.
But the super hero never saves a person who doesn’t need saving.